Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I think my dad (72) has a problem. Since I was a kid, he’s been a serial “relationship overlapper” (what many people would call cheating). He developed a relationship with another woman while married to my mother, developed a third relationship while with that woman, and so on. He is charismatic with an irrepressibly sunny personality, and these infidelities do not seem to cause him any concern. Within the last decade, he finally married again to the most recent woman. My siblings and I hoped that this would be his last relationship, given his age. We really like his wife, and we would like her to stick around. However, he now has a new female “friend,” an intern working for his very small business.
He is very enthusiastic about this intern, texts her often when he’s not in the office, and talks about her taking over the business someday. The intern seems to welcome this, including posting images of the two of them working closely together (and sometimes in a side hug) on company media. My siblings and I get the sense that his wife is fed up with what seems like at minimum an emotional affair, but we’re not privy to their relationship discussions and none of us live close enough to see them more than at holidays. But we feel we need to do something because—here’s the kicker—the intern is in high school. He refers to this girl as “very mature for her age” and by all accounts she is, but she’s still underage. Having seen the pattern of his crushes turning into his next relationships, my siblings and I are worried about this budding relationship—the effects on the girl, the legal consequences should it progress, etc. The girl’s parents don’t seem to have the capacity or desire to intervene given what I understand is a difficult family life; we fear that she and they are happy that she has a job where someone gives her attention. My siblings and I do not want to even think about this relationship, but it seems wrong to ignore it. Advice, please.
—No Teenage Stepmom, Please
Dear No,
Whew. Your sign-off shouldn’t be “No Teenage Stepmom.” It should be “No Sexual Predator Dad.” Switch your focus from whether your father might be about to continue his weird pattern of infidelity to whether he might be on his way to causing serious harm to a child. I don’t expect you’ll change his mind about whether it would be right or wrong to date or have sex with her (his comments about her maturity suggest that he’s prepared to justify anything) so you need to use fear to change his behavior. Here’s an idea for what to say: “Dad, this is hard to talk about but because of your relationship history, I am really worried that you are forming a connection with [intern] that could go beyond work. I need you to understand that you could lose everything or even end up in jail if this happens. It doesn’t matter how mature she is. Let me share these stories of grown men sexually harassing or assaulting teen girls with you. Many of these men say they thought the relationship was consensual. I don’t want you to end up like them.” Pull up news accounts, documentaries, true crime podcasts—whatever you can find to terrify him—and hopefully, protect her.
Even if you don’t see concrete evidence that he’s trying to have a relationship with her, you should respond with the appropriate level of “What!?” when he reports on their friendly interactions. As in “What?! You’re texting a teenager? She probably feels obligated to respond because you’re her boss. You should let her enjoy her time off” and “What!? You let her post a picture of you arm in arm to social media? Clients are going to think that looks really strange.” I don’t know where you are geographically but if you find yourself at a company holiday picnic and have a chance to talk to her, take her aside and say, “I hear you’re a wonderful employee. But I want you to know that if my dad ever makes you uncomfortable you can text me, and if you ever want to leave your job I’ll tap into all of my networks to help you find a new one.”
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Dear Prudence,
I’m a man (25m) with gastroparesis. Essentially it means that I can’t eat more than 1.5 cups of food at a time, along with other restrictions—including a ban on whole fruits or veggies (I eat baby food instead). I’ve learned to live with it, my problem is with other people! I understand that naturally folks will be curious and want to ask questions, and I understand the most natural place is over a meal when they’re likely to see me eating a Happy Baby Squirt Pouch or ordering from the kid’s menu.
What I cannot understand is where these conversations all end up: in the bathroom. Every. Single. Time. There’s no delicate way to put this: They want to know about my shitting habits. If I don’t stick to my diet, yes, I have severe, injury-threatening problems on the porcelain throne, and yes, that’s the primary reason I do it. But I do NOT want to talk to anyone about my BMs, and especially not while I’m eating pureed spinach out of a tube! I don’t want to seem defensive or grouchy, but how can I politely stop people from sticking their noses where they most definitely don’t belong?
—Just Through With Number Two
Dear Just Through,
The trick here is going to be to get ahead of their questions in a way that’s both lighthearted and firm. Try something like this: “Just the pouch for me! I have a serious stomach condition. Believe me, you don’t want to ask any questions about it. And even if you do, I would honestly rather talk about anything else on Earth. How ‘bout those [local sports teams]?”
Dear Prudence,
My (she/her) friend “Sarah” (41, she/her) is a genuinely good friend—supportive, enthusiastic, and always down for an adventure. She’s also a difficult personality, at times—she’s extremely loud, unnecessarily combative, interrupts constantly, and tends to put herself at the center of conversations. When we spend time together one-on-one or in very small groups, I can more or less ignore those behaviors. The trouble is that my partner and I host a fairly large dinner party every year, which Sarah has always attended. I spend a large portion—all?— of the party helping friends escape long Sarah-centric conversations, guiding conversations she’s interrupted back on track, and changing the subject when she’s starting a shouting match over something mundane (one year, I kid you not, it was over step stools versus step ladders).
Even my kindest, most generous friends are clearly exhausted by her; my much more straightforward brother called me after this year’s party and said, “I absolutely cannot sit beside her ever again.” I’ve tried a few different approaches over the years—asking Sarah to keep an eye on her drinking (which makes it worse), engaging the few friends that know her best to hang with her, and lightly teasing her about the interruption in a non-embarrassing way. Nothing has been particularly effective. I love my friend, but the party is much more stressful for me and much less enjoyable for everyone else because she’s present. As a result, my partner and I have decided to leave Sarah off the guest list next year. How can I best break this news to her? Do I make up a kind lie about reducing the party size, or mixing up the guest list? Do I just leave her off and never mention the party at all? Or maybe polite—if likely crushing—honesty is the best policy? I’d like to cause her as little pain as possible, though I fear some is inevitable.
—Purging the Party Pooper
Dear Purging the Party Pooper,
I’m sorry to disappoint you but I can’t offer you a way to leave Sarah off the list and preserve your relationship with her. If you lie about the party, explicitly or by omission, she’ll likely find out and will likely be hurt. If you tell her she’s not welcome because she’s unpleasant to be around, that’s fair… but it’s also something you say to someone who is about to be your ex-friend. You just don’t really get to pick and choose pieces of people. You get the entire package. If you want the “supportive and enthusiastic,” part and she’s been unresponsive to your requests to change the “puts herself at the center of the conversation” and the “fights over step stools” parts you have to decide whether you want to keep the bad and the good or throw it all away.
I’m leaning toward telling you to throw it all away. Here’s why: You say Sarah is a good friend—”supportive, enthusiastic, and always down for an adventure”—but there’s a difference between seeing the qualities of a good friend in someone and actually liking them. I’m just not sure you really like Sarah. By the way, this is OK! And by ignoring your requests to keep an eye on her drinking and hints to stop interrupting, she’s suggesting that she might not have a ton of regard for you and your wishes.
So put it all out there and be ready for whatever happens. Here’s your script: “Sarah, I have to talk to you about something difficult. We’ve chatted before about your behavior when you’re drinking and your habit of interrupting, and I’ve learned that your shouting and fighting at my parties have made some of my other guests really uncomfortable. So I’m not going to invite you this year, and I wanted you to hear it directly from me instead of hearing it through the grapevine.”
That might very well be the beginning of the end of the friendship. If, by some miracle, she goes, “Wow, I really can be annoying, huh? OK, I hate to miss it but see you at yoga” then your problem is solved and she really is more loyal than you ever imagined.
Dear Prudence.
I need advice on making plans with friends when there are different “nights out” styles. Some friends need to have reservations made to fully relax. Unpredictability is a real fun-killer for them, and they get the most pleasure out of firm plans and experiencing hip new places that have a buzz. On the other side, there are those of us who would rather just show up at a local place and put our name on the list, and, if the wait is too long, try somewhere else close by. The stress for us comes from the daunting logistics associated with the other groups’ preferred destinations (coordinating ride shares, parking, etc.). We get the most pleasure out of spontaneity and a relaxed atmosphere, even if it isn’t as trendy or highly rated.
Often the “relaxed” group just goes with the first group’s requests to avoid the inevitable back-and-forth. Is this a power dynamic that should be addressed? Considering the first group wouldn’t be able to relax in a more spontaneous atmosphere nor have as much fun in a less-cool locale, is it even fair to expect them to? I almost wonder if it wouldn’t be better to just accept that they will set evening plans, and the rest of us set daytime plans or something.
—I Just Want to Catch Up
Dear Catch Up,
It’s much more simple than “a power dynamic that needs to be addressed.” The high-maintenance friends only have as much power as you and the other more relaxed friends let them have when it comes to planning. You don’t need to fight what they want to do. You simply need to say what you are going to do, and they can take it or leave it.
You to the group chat: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about planning a really low-key relaxed night where we just see where things lead us. No reservations, no getting dressed up, just playing it by ear. Anyone in?”
I know what you’re thinking: “But if they don’t agree to come, we won’t all spend that night together and our friendship will fall apart! All of us getting together for nights out is important!” And you’re right, they might not come to the disorganized dive bar evening. But I’m here to reassure you that, with a little bit of work on your end, it will be OK. This varies based on geography and culture and what have you, but there is generally a natural end to the phase of life in which the whole friend group goes out every weekend night for no particular reason. At some point in the not-too-distant future, some of you are going to start staying home because you’re too tired, or you have to wake up for Pilates, or have weekend work to do. Some friends are going to realize they hate being hungover. Others are going to lean toward cuddling on the couch with significant others, or they’ll get pregnant, or they’ll move away. Pretty soon many of you will need a reason to go out: A holiday, a birthday party, or a long-overdue catchup.
And that moment when “nights out” stop being the glue that holds friendships together is an important one. You have to figure out how to stay connected when you’re not all at a bar every Friday. You get to start thinking about: Who do I enjoy being around when we’re not in a party atmosphere? Who do I have things to talk about other than when we’re getting together and where the next stop is and if we should get pizza at 3 a.m.? If you want to keep the relationships going, you’ll begin to call people to ask about how their families are doing and how work is going and you begin to get a sense of who actually feels like spending time together in the way you feel like spending time together when it takes a little more effort and intention. I believe this minor tension in going-out styles is the beginning of that process for you. The simple solution is to make the plan you want with the people who want to do the same thing. But the bigger project is to start to be intentional about how to nurture friendships when you can’t assume you’ll all be in the same place on weekend nights.
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